Managing Conflict Through Collaboration: Ideal, but Harder Than You Think
What the Beatles, editing, and polyamory can teach us about collaboration
COLLABORATION
This is the last of the managing conflict series, which starts with a primer on creating safety, and then explores the five ways to manage conflict — originally laid out by genius mentor consultants Richard Nodell and Eric Wolff. They are:
Competition (I win / You lose)
Compromise (Win some / Lose some)
Avoidance (Lose / Lose)
Accommodation (I lose / You win)
You can click the links to check them out. Today, we end with Collaboration (Win/Win).
What do editing and polyamory have to do with collaboration? Keep reading to find out.
Love this video of the Beatles collaborating in writing “Get Back.”
Before desktops, cell phones, and driverless cars, John was late, as usual.
Everyone plugged in their instruments and amped up the playful sarcasm, an instrument in its own right, built from years of collegiality and frustration. The mics needed to be tweaked. Paul started riffing his way through a possible song. Ringo couldn’t look more bored. George actually yawned. They were not inspired, but you could tell by the way their heads were tilted that they were listening. Paul, unfazed by their boredom, kept crooning away until he stumbled into the lyric “get back.” Suddenly the band came to life and started riffing off of it, and a hit song was born.
Creative collaboration is a marvel.
All of our tech is a result of creative collaboration. Someone had a vision — what if we could carry a computer in our pocket? And then that vision was changed and made better by all the people who joined in to bring it to life. And inevitably, that process got rocky.
COLLABORATION IN CONFLICT
I once worked with a senior team that had a recurring problem. The company began by working with small organizations in a sophisticated media capacity. As it became reputable, big corporations hired them for elaborate consulting projects. Half of the team wanted to grow into a larger agency with revenue from corporate projects. But the other half thought they should stick with the smaller scale, intimate work that they were known for.
The team would meet and fight. They had the same fight, over and over, each saying the same things in different ways. There was no forward motion. Several big business deals came and went because, as a group, they could not make the staffing or budget decisions to fund them.
The funny thing? When I met with them individually, they all identified themselves — and their team — as highly collaborative.
Now, that wasn’t a total misperception. The senior team was good at collaborating on projects in their creative roles. One was a talented director, the other a fine designer, another was a messaging whiz, etc.
But when it came to the business, the senior team did not know how to collaborate through conflict, which tended to shut them down. They did not know how to fight as a team towards the best outcomes for everybody.
HOW TO COLLABORATE THROUGH CONFLICT
The documentary Turn Every Page reveals two people who knew how to collaborate in conflict: Robert Caro, author of “The Power Broker,” arguably the most successful political history book of the 20th century, and master editor Robert Gottlieb. As Caro said, “Bob Gottlieb cared about the writing as much as I did. He may be the only person I’ve ever met that cared as much about the writing. But that doesn’t mean we agreed about the writing.”
The care that Caro refers to is a huge requirement for collaborating through conflict because it builds trust. Fighting out of respect for the work has a very different feel than fighting for power, which agitates and derails work. There are plenty of examples of the latter in the current news cycle.
Anyway, as Caro implied, the two Bobs fought a lot.
Apparently, they fought often about semi-colons, which Caro loved to use. Gottlieb said, “I, too, think that the semi-colon is worth fighting a civil war about.” But he didn’t believe they should be used as frequently. In making decisions, the Bobs each had to stand in, and tolerate, the other’s different view.
Gottlieb’s civil war quote reveals two other requirements for collaborating through conflict: a willingness to stand for what you believe in and a deep respect for the process of working towards best outcomes.
Like the Beatles’ song creation, collaborating through a fight requires that each hang in there, listening through the difference and/ or the tension, in order to break through to something new. It takes communication, a willingness to take risks, and emotional resilience.
COLLABORATION YIELDS INNOVATIVE SOLUTIONS
Compromise, as I wrote, is an expedient but limiting way to manage conflict — it doesn’t result in something new. Collaboration takes time and sustained effort, but creates innovative solutions.
It could be as simple as a family fight over where to go for a celebratory dinner. Everyone wants different food, ambiance, etc., and after much deliberation, they end up deciding instead to stay home and cook a family-style meal in which each makes what they want with enough to share.
But oftentimes, it’s more complex.
Like when two people love each other and want to stay together, but are not satisfied with the sexual relationship. Traditional marriage suggests compromise is the only way to manage that conflict. But many modern creatives have zero interest in that. In the early 1990s, a group of ethical non-monogamists created polyamory, a unique and collaborative alternative to affairs, divorce, and chronic dissatisfaction. Partners who truly want the best for themselves and their relationship open up to experimenting with entirely new relationship forms. Together, the couple creates guidelines and rules so they can see other people and respectfully deal with the emotional complexities. Along the way, they may encounter jealousy and growing pains, but many report growing closer to themselves, new partners, and each other through the process. They are no longer having the same fight, but talking about new experiences and pathways to love.
COLLABORATION CHECKLIST
So let’s break it down. If you want a conflict to result in a win-win, ALL PARTIES require:
A shared interest in the best outcomes
Respect for the process of collaboration, with all its tense patches
An ability to articulate and stand by their perspective, but not be overly attached to it
A willingness to listen to and trust others
Time to keep marinating in the differences until a new pathway opens itself
If you’re in a conflict and want to create a win-win resolution, be sure you are working with the right people who are not only willing but interested in hearing what others have to say, and have the time to think out of the box. (How do you find those people? That’s another series of HI posts). Once you do, then have at it. When done right, collaborating through conflict towards a bigger, wiser, solution can be euphoric.
Have you had a positive experience with collaboration? A different perspective? Got questions?
Okay- so much here. Love how it went from the Beatles to polyamory to conflict management. It's such a reminder that conflict is an opportunity- so easy to just pull away and call it a day and shut the door on relationships/partnerships-- to think one of the most iconic songs ever might not have been born otherwise.
This is chock full of wisdom and resources, as usual, Blair. I hadn't seen the Beatles video, but it's mesmerizing, like a microcosm of the Big Bang. I ordered The Power Broker from my library, and will watch Turn Every Page tonight. Thank you!