Yes, Avoidance is a Legitimate Conflict Mgmt Strategy
Just in time for Thanksgiving
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Way back before the world order shifted earlier this month, I started a HI Stack series about conflict, with a post about how to create emotional safety at work and home, in order to lay the groundwork for constructive conflict.
New leaders — and lovers — often treat conflict as a sign that something is wrong. But conflict is simply two or more differing points of view. Encountering conflict means you’re alive. But it can be deadly. And that’s why the art of constructive conflict requires some thinking and practice.
There are five main ways to manage conflict. These strategies, originally laid out by genius mentor consultants Richard Nodell and Eric Wolff, are:
Competition (I win / You lose)
Collaboration (We both win)
Compromise (Win some / Lose some)
Avoidance (We both lose)
Accommodation (I lose / You win)
If you’re thinking that only one way is right and the others are wrong, I look forward to expanding your conflict management palette. Each of these options has a time and a place, and I’ll be covering their pros and cons in subsequent Stacks. But as many people are preparing to spend time with their families over the holidays, families that potentially voted a different way in an extremely divided country, this Stack will focus on avoidance.
Avoidance as a way to manage conflict? Hmmm…
Coach and author Cheryl Richardson is often attributed with saying “Avoiding conflict to make peace with others starts a war within.” If you’ve ever stifled an important communication to keep the peace, to keep your job or a relationship, you know about this war. The brew of things left unsaid can take a mental and physical toll. A friend recently shared that her low grade depression and chronic hip pain magically vanished after she finally laid into her husband and daughter for how little they respected her time.
When you avoid conflict habitually, it does have a way of hunting you down and creating a bigger mess. However, avoidance can be productive.
One senior leader who believed in radical honesty decided that, even though the team’s biggest client deliverable of the year was due in two days, he needed to confront everyone on how poorly they were handling criticism. The team not only handled that criticism poorly by turning on him, but they spent a whole day fighting about the deeper issues and who was at fault, making the project deliverables late and the client angry. He learned the hard way that it might have been smarter to avoid the conflict, at least until after the project was completed.
Is it worth the risk?
Many people will soon gather with family members with whom conflicts of all sorts have been brewing for years. You might be wondering, should I speak up in search of more closeness, more authentic connection, or clearing the air? Consider the outcomes you’re looking for — especially if you’re putting politics on the table — by asking yourself:
What is useful to bring up, and why?
Is it likely to spark a meaningful conversation?
Are you interested in changing anyone’s mind? If yes, why?
If you know from past experience that the conflict will only lead to heightened tension with no real meaning or resolution, then avoidance is a fair strategy. All you’re really losing is the opportunity to feel miserable. But you can still connect. A colleague shared a wonderful story about a weekend away with her politically opposed family members. One proposed that they all take personality tests, and they ended up talking and laughing about the results throughout the weekend. Not a word of politics was spoken.
Avoidance in service of boundaries
Unless you enjoy fighting and /or provocation, please use avoidance when encountering a person who thrives on both. When you see that nosey neighbor, drunk uncle or feisty teammate approaching, you can take a high, medium, or low level avoidant approach, e.g.:
High avoidant: Turn the other way, go to the restroom, quickly slip into another convo, etc.
Medium avoidant: Excuse yourself, e.g.: Excuse me, I … have to check on the turkey; think I hear my phone; just have to answer this text
Low avoidant: Direct challenge: “You know, I’m actually not interested in this conversation right now.” Then change the subject. If you think you’ll be using this one, having a list of alternate subjects at the ready helps. If you’re being challenged, upgrade to medium.
Get creative
The more complex a conflict is — meaning you’re at risk of losing something valuable — the more creativity is required. I once had a boss who liked to hang over the top of my cubicle and share his personal struggles. His life was hard and I was sympathetic, but it made me increasingly uncomfortable. How could I tell my boss to stop coming over and talking to me? A witchy woman helped me analyze what was really driving his hanging harangues: he was in need of some sweetness. So instead of pretending to be interested and nodding politely, I bought a fancy tin of hard candies, and every time he draped himself over the divider, I offered him one.
“No, thanks,” he said, the first time, and kept talking.
“Are you sure?” I asked. He got flustered and left. It only took one more time of offering him candy before he stopped the behavior entirely. Conflict avoided. Message received.
This holiday season and beyond, make conscious choices about which conflicts are important. And if they’re not? Avoid, avoid, avoid. And if you can, have fun while doing it.
Need help learning when to confront, when to hold back, or how to do either?
Fabulous piece! Love.
Love this. I know it's not meant to be funny, but the accuracy of the examples really did make me chuckle. They're right there at our fingertips, so to speak. And they're so useful.