Yeah, You Might Have to Accommodate

Think: more “duck’s back,” less “doormat”

Dec 19, 2024

AI doesn’t know how to fight (for proof, I always recommend people watch Larry David’s hysterical one-way blowout with Siri). But humans do, and mastering constructive conflict is a powerful way to strengthen your HI. The conflict series continues with a controversial management style: accommodation.

The word accommodation just feels sad. It speaks of passivity, of giving in to another’s will, and therefore seems defeatist. Accommodation is indeed an I lose / You win approach. Someone who is always accommodating is perceived as a doormat. Sometimes, depressingly enough, accommodation is a life-preserving option in a fascist regime.

But just like the four other conflict management styles in the series, accommodation has its place. (See the end of this post for the other styles and Stacks that deconstruct them).

On a packed flight, on my way home for Thanksgiving, I had to stow my carry-on in an overhead bin a number of rows back. My husband was sitting in the row across from me, and we had a connecting flight. I have travel anxiety. When the plane landed, I didn’t want to be stuck waiting in line to exit it while he forged ahead towards the connection.

As we neared our destination, the anxiety mounted. Could I run back, grab my bag, and get back to my seat, exiting with my husband before everyone crowded in the aisles? I doubted it.

When the plane stopped, I made it to that bin so fast that no one was out of their seats yet. As I was about to wheel my bag down the aisle back to my seat, a man rose in front of me to retrieve his bags from the bin.

“Excuse me,” I said, after he finished. “I’d love to return to my seat up there. Would you mind scooching in for a sec?”

“You want special treatment, huh?” he said. Apparently, he did mind. He stepped more squarely into the aisle.

“Why don’t you ask her?” He pointed to a woman in front of him with a baby on her chest. She wasn’t quite in the aisle yet, but she was nudging her way there. “I’ll do it if she does it,” he said, daring me as if we were seventeen years old and playing a drinking game. He was a mean drunk.

I’m not conflict averse, but I am conflict choosy. Arguing with hostile travelers is not my style.

“Nah, I’m not willing to do that,” I mumbled. He smirked and turned away.

Everything worked out fine. My choice to accommodate him — especially as someone who has no desire to appear in a viral video on travel rage — was absolutely right for me. (But I did make the fatal error of leaving my jacket and other carry-on in my seat. PSA: Apparently, a flight attendant will quickly remove any items that are left on a plane. So when I got to my seat and saw my carry-on and coat were gone, I panicked. But, phew, they had been left at the gate.)

It’s useful to have accommodation in your back pocket for times like these, when letting someone else win is actually a way of cutting your losses. In times of stress when a loved one gets testy, accommodation can be a form of letting their bid for conflict e.g. why do you have to do it like that? simply wash over you, as in the idiom, like water off a duck’s back.

Accommodation also works when the timing isn’t right to get what you want — but it might be later. A friend recently called thirty minutes before our plans, hoping to cancel. But, she said, she would still show up if it was important to me. I was disappointed for a moment before realizing that by agreeing to cancel I was not just accommodating her, but the relationship. As friends we need to give each other flexibility, and I know she will extend the same to me should I need it in the future.

Accommodation has its risks. A leader I worked with was in a pickle. A highly valued employee asked for time off at the busiest time of year. Saying yes to the request would set a bad precedent. The team knew how crazy things got and what being short staffed would do to the frenzied pace. Worried about being accused of favoritism, he didn’t want to say yes. Ultimately, as a reciprocal investment and expression of trust in the employee, he accommodated her request. He held her responsible for covering her work deliverables and told the team this was a very rare and special circumstance. It turned out to be a good choice. But it could have backfired.

Accommodation is useful when:

Having the conflict could lead to worse circumstances (it’s similar to avoidance in that way)
There is a future bargain to be struck: (You win / I lose this time, but next time, I win)
Extreme situations call for self-sacrifice (a loved one is sick and their needs become temporarily primary)
You remember to use it sparingly to preserve self-esteem

Can you think of any other positive uses of accommodation? Share in the comments.

Yeah, You Might Have to Accommodate

Think: more “duck’s back,” less “doormat”

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