The Art of Welcoming

A brief primer

For those of you engaged on this newsletter platform, you’ve probably heard — and heard — about the popular thought leader who tried to move her platform here, made a big entrance, and was rejected so forcefully that she shut down her newsletter and left.

I won’t add to the theories of isms that have already been cited as the cause of the exit, but it got me thinking about welcoming, and how most of us have very little HI around it.

In many cultures and religions worldwide, there is a sacred duty to welcome not only a guest but a stranger. If someone shows up at a household in Jordan, for example, it is a requirement to treat them like a beloved guest, offering food and shelter without even asking their purpose for arrival. In the West, we bring a gift to the host. In other traditions, the host will give a gift to the guest. I’ve thought about how different these attitudes are from what I learned growing up in New York City, where a stranger was always seen as a threat. [And yes, some strangers are threats. I’m not talking here about forcing yourself to welcome the enemy.]

Sometimes I think these welcoming rituals were designed to contain the complex primal feelings that come from opening yourself to someone new. I remember years ago being startled by my own reaction when a dear friend brought her new partner to our tight-knit group of women friends. I was so happy she was partnered, but something in me resented her girlfriend in advance. Upon deeper reflection, I saw how in my mind, my friend and our group had become my territory — my source of safety — and I was afraid of what would happen if the balance got upended. It was not rational. But the feeling was real and shockingly aggressive.

But then I thought back to a talk from an Indian spiritual teacher I spent time with in my 20s (and write about in my forthcoming memoir). She asked challenging questions about our welcoming behaviors: Can you welcome someone unexpected into a plan? I always struggled with that one. Or maybe you greet a guest affectionately at the door, but how do you respond when they come hours late and tarnish the dinner you’ve worked so hard to perfect? What actions do you regularly do — taking people’s coats, inviting them to sit, etc. — to make people comfortable?

Making a new person feel welcome — in your home, on your team, or even in your book group — is a sacred art that sets the tone for the rest of their engagement and is foundational. Welcoming is a theme in my consulting, especially when teams add new members. Team members do not know how to handle their panic that the group they have known and gotten used to will be upended. The addition of a new person (or several) stirs deep insecurity in established team members, as if the new addition(s) will finally discover their true inadequacy. The team will also have to change the way they operate. Plus, people simply don’t know what to expect, and not-knowing causes anxiety. Because these feelings so rarely touch the surface, they get acted out in cliquey behavior and other dramas that sabotage the new person’s success. Not being a welcoming presence is part of that sabotage.

Leaders who are onboarding new members will do well to give their staff specific welcoming tasks — having one person give a tour, another invite the new person for a coffee break, and the game below works, too — to prepare for success. I’m sure you have an experience of walking into a formed group who barely acknowledged you (we’ve all been to high school, right?) and you tried to find an entry point. When I moved to LA, I was invited to a book group on the other side of town. Due to rush hour traffic, I arrived a little late. I entered the restaurant and stood in front of the big table looking for a friendly face. The host was busy in conversation. Some greeted me by lifting a palm beside their half-smiling face. I managed to engage in a few conversations, but I never went back, telling myself it was too far. In retrospect, it was too hard. The group was well formed, and the feeling of being an outsider trying to barge in was too difficult.

We all have a primal need to belong. Welcoming is a way to facilitate belonging.

Here are some questions to contemplate regarding your ability to welcome, followed by an exercise that sets up members of a new team, group, or family for success.

• Have you ever felt truly welcome in a new situation?

• What actions and qualities made you feel that way?

• Do you engage those behaviors when hosting a new person?

• What can you realistically do to be more welcoming and inclusive?

Welcoming game for new members

Grab a stack of index cards and hand one to each person in the group, except the new person.

Have each person on the team or group write a serious or good-natured funny piece of anonymous advice helping set up the new person for success.

Examples:

• Bring your own snacks because they never refill the vending machines.

• On deliverable days, DO NOT TALK to Eddie until the project is complete.

• If you have questions, ask Mary. She knows everything.

• Summer Fridays don’t technically start until July, but we pretend they start in June.

Then have the new person read the advice out loud. When done well, the exercise not only welcomes the new person but also introduces them to the norms and culture of the group, letting them in on some of the inside jokes that would otherwise make them feel excluded.

As you can see, it's useful to be intentional about welcoming. And when thinking about welcoming others, make sure to welcome your own heart into the process.