Is Vulnerability The New Currency?

If so, spend it wisely.

“The only true elegance is vulnerability.” – Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Photo by Nguyen Phan Nam Anh on Unsplash

Vulnerability defined

In the last HI Circle of the summer, a participant shared the above quote, and it got me thinking. What does it mean that vulnerability is elegant?

When I first learned about vulnerability, I associated it with weakness. Wolves go after the most vulnerable prey. But when I studied acting, that shifted. In the theater world (pronounced THEAH-TAH for effect), vulnerability was king and equated with the ability to show emotion.

Vulnerability expert Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Because all possibility lies in risk, vulnerability is extremely valuable. It is a key component of HI (Human Intelligence), because computers cannot be vulnerable. In fact, I read somewhere — Lawd, help me if I can remember — that vulnerability is the new currency.

Humanity, Commodified

In the social media marketplace of the attention economy, public soul-bearing is highly influential. Raw admissions of pain and loss have startled me, and, when communicated with elegance, leave me feeling inspired, flooded with compassion and recognition all at once. The gift that certain writers and speakers give through their honesty creates a knowing that we’re not alone, which breeds loyalty and a desire to reciprocate. Therein lies its economic power.

Artists understand this instinctually. But in a leadership forum, a few consultants were touting the importance of emotional vulnerability for leaders. Scared about your promotion? They counseled the participants, Tell your staff! Intimidated by the prospects of growth? Be transparent!

On one level, advising leaders to be vulnerable makes sense: leaders who keep their feelings to themselves and pretend they are invulnerable gain a reputation for being closed-off, arrogant, and self-involved. Leaders who admit their humanity are more likely to gain reputations for being collaborative and accessible.

But without nuance, vulnerability can backfire.

When Vulnerability is Counterfeit

To the extent that I have been moved by vulnerability, I have also been slimed by counterfeit attempts. I recently watched someone tear up in a video about yet another national gun tragedy, and her sadness felt performed, making me want to scroll away (though I kept looking because it was so perfectly gaudy).

A new principal gathered his teachers around for his first welcome speech. The public school had been in the community for decades, but was hanging on by a thread, with burnt-out teachers working overtime to save their students from the streets. The principal looked out at the staff and shrugged. “Truthfully, I’m scared,” he began. But instead of nodding their heads in appreciation for their new boss’s courageous admission, the teachers side-eyed each other. Some looked at their feet. No one stayed to congratulate him afterwards.

The principal was confused. He thought he was being vulnerable. But instead, he lost his audience immediately by focusing on himself. What the staff needed to know from him right off the bat was: I know this is hard, here’s my vision for how we are going to work together to make things better, and we’ll pull through. By centering his fear in an emotional way, it left them to wonder: if he doesn’t have confidence, can I really confide in him?And furthermore, if this leader is concerned with his feelings, do we need to take care of him, too?

When Vulnerability is Leadership

Two leaders were not getting along.

Everyone in the office referred to them as the “problem couple” because they always and automatically shot down what the other suggested and frequently erupted in frustration about how they really shouldn’t have to work with one another. Attempts at mediated conversations had them firmly in their own corners with no middle ground. But while one party seemed to accept it, the other was losing sleep. She needed to change the energy or quit.

At a company gathering, she sidled up next to him. “I know you’d rather I fell off the side of a cliff,” she said, disarming her rival with humor. “But I’m feeling too anxious about work as a result. Is there anything we can do to make our interactions less stressful?”

He shrugged. The risk of showing her cards was huge. It could have escalated his behavior, ramping things up so she would leave. She wasn’t sure it would change anything.

But lo and behold, he began toning down the animosity. And the workplace, and the actual work, started getting better.

As you probably know, this principle transfers to personal relationships: in certain moments, taking an emotional risk can change a whole dynamic.

Credit Check

Emotional vulnerability can’t be programmed: You can’t plan when you’re going to cry at a funeral. But you can be open and willing to take risks in order to create more optimal conditions.

However, because nothing is guaranteed, and vulnerability is so valuable, spend it wisely. Protect your assets.

Here’s a credit check when preparing to take emotional risks, to help your vulnerability stay elegant. Keep in mind the following:

1. Audience: Know who you are speaking to. Are they the right people with whom to share your dear heart? When my best friend calls me in her emotional vulnerability, there is a sacredness to it. I feel honored at being let in that deeply, and grateful and valued. Naturally it goes both ways. But I don’t share this way with my clients. It would burden them.

2. Desired Outcomes: Know the outcomes you’re driving for. You can reverse engineer how to bring your vulnerability based on what you’re looking to accomplish. The conflict-burdened leader above was looking for a truce, and a better workplace environment.

3. Location: Pick a place that fits the conversation. Maybe you don’t want to share an issue you’re having with your boss at the company party, or with your partner at a crowded restaurant. Choose your where wisely.

Appraisal

The above considerations will help you assess whether or not and how to be vulnerable. But don’t expect perfection when practicing new ways to share yourself. Sometimes you might hit a nerve and really resonate with people, and other times your vulnerability will rub them the wrong way. Sometimes you might overspend, I mean overshare, and say too much. TMI (Too Much Information, for those who aren’t familiar) is not actually vulnerability, but it's opposite in disguise, as oversharing can be an unconscious way to ward people off.

It’s all good data, all part of a larger process of increasing your leadership and HI.