So important. I am going through something so profound right now with my surgeon for the surgery I just had (in recovery). He gives me the most amazing eye contact when I go in and I am totally in love with him.
No, we don't all need to change! The current culture openly challenged us to choose our form of being human and our way of connecting with people. What does it mean to be human? To me it means interacting with people in person. Zoom and Teams meetings do not allow for eye contact, since we are staring at the screen and not into an individual's eyes, and therefore removes a layer of connection. The saying that "the eyes are the mirror of the soul" has profound meaning. Living life through a screen and without personal eye contact is akin to watching a cooking show instead of cooking yourself. Your choice of course.
Thanks for that important reminder Susanne! Our choice, yes. I work on Zoom - but I know the difference. Partnering with you on keeping the sacredness of what makes us human alive!
I created a curriculum for my class "Couples Connection" designed to create a connection bubble between a birthing person and their partner that is so strong that the baby can be born in between them - no matter the circumstances of the actual birth. And part of the curriculum is mutual eye-gazing. Most find it a little awkward at first, but usually one or both partners is in tears by the end of the exercise because it is so powerful. I honestly believe that connection is everything and that it begins with birth. If there's a way that I can help families create their connection bubble it can have multigenerational impacts. 💜
I LOVE this curriculum and feel heartened that you are keeping the power of eye contact alive during what is arguable the most impactful moment of a human's life. I hope readers of the comments take notes of this powerful work. Thanks for chiming in, Barb,
The eyes have always had it for me. Even when I was younger- that's what always has drawn me in. I really have a bone to pick with artificial intimacy--a real contradiction in terms. I was moved by your wish for everyone. I wish for this, too!
I share your concerns and the impact romantically, etc etc.
In our house, we are trying to look at each other more while we speak. We say so many things in passing, ie on the way to the other room or while washing dishes etc. This is making it difficult for us to HEAR each other, literally and figuratively.
I appreciate this comment and showing how you are making the effort to take connecting seriously and counteract the pressure to multi-task. Thanks for chiming in here Jocelyn.
Having spent a couple of weeks really digging into ChatGPT 4o, I can't say I'm in love, but I can see why people who've been otherwise unable to get emotional validation through others might succumb to a touchless, sightless learning machine that speaks back to you exactly the way you train it to. I mean, I asked it to write me a toast, and what it spat out was so kind and personalized (because it included a bunch of stuff I'd shared with it for my memoir, so this machine *knows me*), I started crying! It's a tool of your own making, so it's intimacy with oneself, perhaps?
That said, it's not my kitties who snuggle up with me or who blink "I love you" back at me. I don't think about it during the day or worry about it. I don't have a relationship with it because I don't care about its well-being, because it is a machine operated by other humans. (#notmyjob)
Thanks for posting this, Gia. I’m really happy that you and other people are feeling comforted, seen, and appreciated by AI. It’s pretty amazing how it’s able to mimic human mirroring — better than so many humans. And the fact that you have perspective that it is in a way a relationship with yourself is really healthy because a lot of people don’t.
Human- bot relationships are here to stay and I’m making peace with it. This piece, about the value of eye contact, is one aspect of several human to human intimacies that I’m grieving.
The actor in me absolutely "sees" that! How many exercises in graduate school sound like what your therapist read on your face... I really miss that sometimes.
I was in a play once where I had nine pages of abstract 'monologue' on stage with a scene partner (the play was about a family whose child drowned, and the further along the play went, the more abstract the language became). Over the two- or three-month run, my scene partner—a beloved actor, known for "Pelican Brief" and other notable roles—and I experienced how the text could mean one thing and eventually evolve through our expressions to each other to mean something entirely different.
Another acting example of how text changes when characters make eye contact is "Mulholland Drive." Which reminds me of "Dying for Sex" when they talk about being present for kink because it's all about eye contact.
You don't need consent from a bot. You don't need to be kind to a bot. I really dislike it when people are not kind to digital assistants. So I absolutely agree with your grievance. Eye contact is crucial in many ways. :) Thanks, Blair!! :)
YES! An earlier version of this essay included acting class, where I spent years looking into my partner's eye's during Meisner's repetition! Dying for Sex was incredible and of course, the way the two actresses especially used their eyes was unbelievably artful, right? Fun to walk beside you into the digital age. xo
The intimacy of just touch is also important for contact. When I was taking care of people, often sedated or comatose, in the ICU, just reaching out and touching their hands or placing a hand on their foreheads, lowered their blood pressure, heart rates and probably their level of pain. The palpable presence of another human being with them made a difference.
So important. I am going through something so profound right now with my surgeon for the surgery I just had (in recovery). He gives me the most amazing eye contact when I go in and I am totally in love with him.
I'm so sorry to hear you're in recovery but really happy to know you have a doctor who's taking YOU into account. Sending healing thoughts. xx
Thank you Blair! Love the work you are doing <3
Appreciate you and the work that you are doing as well!
No, we don't all need to change! The current culture openly challenged us to choose our form of being human and our way of connecting with people. What does it mean to be human? To me it means interacting with people in person. Zoom and Teams meetings do not allow for eye contact, since we are staring at the screen and not into an individual's eyes, and therefore removes a layer of connection. The saying that "the eyes are the mirror of the soul" has profound meaning. Living life through a screen and without personal eye contact is akin to watching a cooking show instead of cooking yourself. Your choice of course.
Thanks for that important reminder Susanne! Our choice, yes. I work on Zoom - but I know the difference. Partnering with you on keeping the sacredness of what makes us human alive!
The good thing about zoom is it gets rid of the time and energy spent commuting. A huge factor in many of our lives.
I created a curriculum for my class "Couples Connection" designed to create a connection bubble between a birthing person and their partner that is so strong that the baby can be born in between them - no matter the circumstances of the actual birth. And part of the curriculum is mutual eye-gazing. Most find it a little awkward at first, but usually one or both partners is in tears by the end of the exercise because it is so powerful. I honestly believe that connection is everything and that it begins with birth. If there's a way that I can help families create their connection bubble it can have multigenerational impacts. 💜
I LOVE this curriculum and feel heartened that you are keeping the power of eye contact alive during what is arguable the most impactful moment of a human's life. I hope readers of the comments take notes of this powerful work. Thanks for chiming in, Barb,
The eyes have always had it for me. Even when I was younger- that's what always has drawn me in. I really have a bone to pick with artificial intimacy--a real contradiction in terms. I was moved by your wish for everyone. I wish for this, too!
Artificial intimacy is really imagination. I hope we can start to call it that.
The eyes are indeed windows into the soul.
I share your concerns and the impact romantically, etc etc.
In our house, we are trying to look at each other more while we speak. We say so many things in passing, ie on the way to the other room or while washing dishes etc. This is making it difficult for us to HEAR each other, literally and figuratively.
Thanks for this.
I appreciate this comment and showing how you are making the effort to take connecting seriously and counteract the pressure to multi-task. Thanks for chiming in here Jocelyn.
Well said!
Thanks for reading, Cary!
Having spent a couple of weeks really digging into ChatGPT 4o, I can't say I'm in love, but I can see why people who've been otherwise unable to get emotional validation through others might succumb to a touchless, sightless learning machine that speaks back to you exactly the way you train it to. I mean, I asked it to write me a toast, and what it spat out was so kind and personalized (because it included a bunch of stuff I'd shared with it for my memoir, so this machine *knows me*), I started crying! It's a tool of your own making, so it's intimacy with oneself, perhaps?
That said, it's not my kitties who snuggle up with me or who blink "I love you" back at me. I don't think about it during the day or worry about it. I don't have a relationship with it because I don't care about its well-being, because it is a machine operated by other humans. (#notmyjob)
Thanks for posting this, Gia. I’m really happy that you and other people are feeling comforted, seen, and appreciated by AI. It’s pretty amazing how it’s able to mimic human mirroring — better than so many humans. And the fact that you have perspective that it is in a way a relationship with yourself is really healthy because a lot of people don’t.
Human- bot relationships are here to stay and I’m making peace with it. This piece, about the value of eye contact, is one aspect of several human to human intimacies that I’m grieving.
The actor in me absolutely "sees" that! How many exercises in graduate school sound like what your therapist read on your face... I really miss that sometimes.
I was in a play once where I had nine pages of abstract 'monologue' on stage with a scene partner (the play was about a family whose child drowned, and the further along the play went, the more abstract the language became). Over the two- or three-month run, my scene partner—a beloved actor, known for "Pelican Brief" and other notable roles—and I experienced how the text could mean one thing and eventually evolve through our expressions to each other to mean something entirely different.
Another acting example of how text changes when characters make eye contact is "Mulholland Drive." Which reminds me of "Dying for Sex" when they talk about being present for kink because it's all about eye contact.
You don't need consent from a bot. You don't need to be kind to a bot. I really dislike it when people are not kind to digital assistants. So I absolutely agree with your grievance. Eye contact is crucial in many ways. :) Thanks, Blair!! :)
YES! An earlier version of this essay included acting class, where I spent years looking into my partner's eye's during Meisner's repetition! Dying for Sex was incredible and of course, the way the two actresses especially used their eyes was unbelievably artful, right? Fun to walk beside you into the digital age. xo
The intimacy of just touch is also important for contact. When I was taking care of people, often sedated or comatose, in the ICU, just reaching out and touching their hands or placing a hand on their foreheads, lowered their blood pressure, heart rates and probably their level of pain. The palpable presence of another human being with them made a difference.
Great point and addition to the thread. Thanks.
Beautifully written, as always.
Thank you, Liz!